So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
