never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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