Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I smell like Dick and happiness
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
