I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
