She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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