I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize