god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
