There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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