he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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