i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
