Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize