so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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