Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
