So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
