I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
