Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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