I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
