probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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