you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
