Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
