i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
You work out of a Hotel?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
