My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
