i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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