Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
