Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
