I wish my penis had an off switch
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
