i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
