They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
