when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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