I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
