Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
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