I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
