My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
He felt like a one man threesome
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
