im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
