I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Randomize