we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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