just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
