Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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