Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
