Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize