the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize