he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
