So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
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