ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
