JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
