there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
