I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize