Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
