if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Randomize
