I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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