Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
