i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
