Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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