ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
