i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
She's the barista slut.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize