my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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