Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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